Control

I realize that I absolutely lose control of my actions from time to time. I know what’s best for me and it sure is easy to tell other people what’s best for them but holy cow. I know that alcohol is bad for you, that doesn’t mean I don’t drink. I just try not to drink too much or too often. Every once in a while my whole soul is screaming for me not to do something, my mind tells me it’s not healthy, but I just can’t help it. I guess everyone has this somewhere in their lives. I’m just not sure of how I feel about myself afterwards. Depending on what it is of course. I sometimes feel sorry for myself and wonder why I can’t help but do something I know I shouldn’t. I’ve been trying to kick the tobacco habit for some time now but I am finding it difficult. I suffer from what I like to call “weakness”. I am weak. I give in to temptation, I give in to addiction, I give in to my own mind telling me no. No matter what I do I can’t stop myself. What happens when there is something you know you shouldn’t be doing but it also makes you feel better, inside and out? What do you do when you don’t want to stop the thing that might ultimately prove bad or wrong? How do you deal with something that all at once makes you feel better and worse about yourself? I wish I had the answer to that one. Why even start something bad in the first place if you know it’s bad? Because you can’t help it, sometimes temptation is a real mother! I have absolutely no control over myself a great deal of the time, I find myself just existing on a path chosen by temptation instead of one chosen by inspiration. I am seriously working on a lot of stuff with me right now but I think this is a biggie. I really want to be inspired to do things. I really want regain my senses and know that I am going somewhere or doing something that will make me feel better about being me and make other people feel better about being around me. I want to go to sleep tonight and remember what it was like when I went to bed as a kid. I was always so excited about the future, I had big dreams of what I wanted to become. Now that I’m here, in my thirties, it looks nothing like I dreamed up as a kid, because so many times I chose temptation over inspiration.