Sideways

I’m giving up, giving in, done. I’m tired of hearing about not looking back. I’m looking back. I like looking back, the good and the bad. I’m refusing to move forward, I’m not staying stationary either though. I’m moving sideways a bit. If I were to just continue forward I would be on the same road, the name may change but it’s the same old highway. I’m going to step sideways a bit before moving forward. I’ve loved, I lost, and I’ve gained. I’ve done some things everyone can relate to as well as some things no one can relate to. I figure if I just step to the side a bit I might be able to find a new path that seems more suitable. We can never be afraid to step to the side for a minute. Sometimes our lives require it. I like the idea that all directions are open to us. There may come a time in your life that you need to go backwards, perhaps you missed the off ramp you were supposed to take. Life isn’t some back road with two lanes; you can go in any direction you want. I think that we often times make decisions that take us places we didn’t want to end up because we were afraid to explore other options. We were afraid to be open and honest with ourselves and the people around us. We are all too often too afraid of listening to ourselves. Every person has a little voice they tend to tune out from time to time in favor of other external influences. This can be a dangerous thing that causes you to wake up one day and not like the person you are. You may be the most popular kid in high school but absolutely hate yourself for it. We all have it in us to be strong and make decisions that lighten our hearts. If you find yourself at a crossroads and all the people of the world are telling you to go forward you may still need to step aside for a minute and think. Here is my wish that will never come true. I wish that anytime I had to make a decision in my life that I had the strength to ask some simple questions and tell myself the truth. Will this make me healthier; will this make me happier; in ten years will I regret this; in ten years will I remember this; and will this make the people around me better for it. None of us have the strength to ask those questions every time. So maybe just ask yourself one easy one; would I want to tell my family about this. It seems simple because it is, in theory. Just try to do things that enhance the lives of the people around you. That’s how you move forward. It’s all about personal responsibility. I don’t really believe in destiny as much as I believe in purpose. Take responsibility for your actions and try to ask every day if you have done something to better yourself or the people around you. So that’s what I’m going to try (and fail some days) to do.

It's Complicated

I went for a run in the woods with the dogs today; as usual my mind began to wander. I was listening to a sermon on my iPod about charity. That’s when it hit me, so many churches have spent thousands of years complicating what at its core is such a simple concept. If I were to start my own church it would only meet once, it would have one sermon consisting of one word, love. That’s it, that’s the message people, it’s not about the Pope and birth control, it’s not about buildings; it is about people and how you treat them. This world like it or not is completely run on how we treat each other. For millennia people have fought wars, killed, stolen, beaten, and generally mistreated each other. This happens for different reasons, it’s not always about religion. The one constant is that it will happen again. People are complicated and generally they like their answers to be complicated as well. This gives us a sense of being better than others, if the message were simple than anyone could get it, which is exactly why it was so simple in the beginning. We tend to overcomplicate things, it’s just who we are. Remember the telephone game where you whisper a secret around the room and it sounds completely different at the end? Really anyone can muck this one up, but the word love or some variant IS used 697 times in the NIV and 442 in the KJV bible. Not sure why King James had less love but whatever, after literally thousands of years of playing telephone it’s gotten complicated. Instead of worrying about all the things other people are doing wrong in this world just concentrate on treating people with dignity, respect, and honor. One sermon, one word, LOVE. That’s it. Keep it simple.

The Great Depression

80 years ago this country was in an economic depression, now I believe we find ourselves in the midst of a nationwide emotional depression. We have lost our sense of the worthiness of others and consequently started spiraling down a path of angst and anger. We no longer have a collective idea that something important is all around us, we don’t feel insignificant any more. Those feelings have been replaced with the ideals of self entitlement and arrogance. We are casting off the so called “shackles” of the past and leaving a path of destruction in our wake. We have begun to move away from ideals that were once a cornerstone of society. I’m not saying that you have to be a Christian to be a good person, I have a great friend who is an atheist, she is also a vegetarian. This woman’s core beliefs however are that every living thing has a purpose and is valuable. She is kind, gifted, and intelligent. These are the beliefs I feel we are losing as a society, that everyone is valuable. Just watch the news and you’ll find that while it is on literally all day long there may only be a few minutes of coverage on what they call a “feel good” story. I worry about the direction that our world is being pushed; I’m not sure where we’re going but every day I see fewer people respecting each other. You can sit on a street corner for a day and just watch random strangers yell at each other over non-events. People are becoming so arrogant that they are shooting each other in traffic over a 10 second set back or a parking space. That’s not to say that there are no good people left in the world; it’s just that the good people are becoming the timid ones. There once was a time that being a decent person was expected of you and if you weren’t then the whole of society would set you straight. These days we expect the worst from each other and sometimes that’s just what we get. I still like to put my faith in people, I think that’s where it starts. If we ever want to take back society it’s going to be through kindness, faith, and trust. Perception over time equals reality, we have perceived society to be evil for so long, perhaps we should change that. Just put yourself out there and trust that people are inherently good, believe that everyone is valuable. It’s that simple.

Bipolar

I’ve been acting a little bipolar these days. Most of the time I feel great, but every once in a while get this sense that I’ve had my future taken away from me. I had it all planned out, right down to where I was going to die and be buried. I knew everything there was to know about my future, where I would live, how I would live, who I would live with, it was all planned out. I was in complete control of my destiny and had great future that anyone would be envious of. Like I said, most of the time I’m good, because I know that I don’t (and never really did) have control of what happens in my future. My new future is an adventure, I don’t know where I’m going to be or what I’m going to be doing. I have no idea how the rest of my life will go. I guess I didn’t have my future stolen from me as much as I had my perceptions changed. My perception of control was nothing like the reality of control. No matter how much you plan you never know where your future is, I knew a man who married the same woman three separate times, I also know a man who just got married for the first time in his late sixties. Millionaires become homeless in an instant and minimum wage earners win the lottery. I wonder why millionaires don’t play the lottery, probably because they believe they are in total control. Most days I’m ready and excited to take on my new adventures but every once in a while I have my moments where I miss having the veil over my eyes and believing my future was planned out by me. I still make plans for my future but they are more like hopes than solid plans. I’m going to just stay fluid, hope for great things in the future and try to remember that I’m on a journey I should enjoy.

Control

I realize that I absolutely lose control of my actions from time to time. I know what’s best for me and it sure is easy to tell other people what’s best for them but holy cow. I know that alcohol is bad for you, that doesn’t mean I don’t drink. I just try not to drink too much or too often. Every once in a while my whole soul is screaming for me not to do something, my mind tells me it’s not healthy, but I just can’t help it. I guess everyone has this somewhere in their lives. I’m just not sure of how I feel about myself afterwards. Depending on what it is of course. I sometimes feel sorry for myself and wonder why I can’t help but do something I know I shouldn’t. I’ve been trying to kick the tobacco habit for some time now but I am finding it difficult. I suffer from what I like to call “weakness”. I am weak. I give in to temptation, I give in to addiction, I give in to my own mind telling me no. No matter what I do I can’t stop myself. What happens when there is something you know you shouldn’t be doing but it also makes you feel better, inside and out? What do you do when you don’t want to stop the thing that might ultimately prove bad or wrong? How do you deal with something that all at once makes you feel better and worse about yourself? I wish I had the answer to that one. Why even start something bad in the first place if you know it’s bad? Because you can’t help it, sometimes temptation is a real mother! I have absolutely no control over myself a great deal of the time, I find myself just existing on a path chosen by temptation instead of one chosen by inspiration. I am seriously working on a lot of stuff with me right now but I think this is a biggie. I really want to be inspired to do things. I really want regain my senses and know that I am going somewhere or doing something that will make me feel better about being me and make other people feel better about being around me. I want to go to sleep tonight and remember what it was like when I went to bed as a kid. I was always so excited about the future, I had big dreams of what I wanted to become. Now that I’m here, in my thirties, it looks nothing like I dreamed up as a kid, because so many times I chose temptation over inspiration.

Ego

My ego is shattered. So is yours. Everybody has a part of them that thinks they are the best, the biggest, the fastest, the coolest, the most popular. Ego makes you jealous, it makes you curious, and it makes you wonder. Ego makes you not trust one another. My ego is an enormous weak spot. It seems to me that it’s one of the cruelest parts of us. It’s also a necessary evil, there needs to be a part of you that tells you how great you are. So many times I allow this part of me cause me to go crazy. It’s amazing how your ego can get in the way of common sense. I don’t know where it comes from; it just rises up all on its own. It’s something I can’t control, I don’t know if anyone can. At some point you’re in a situation that you can’t control and it makes you angry. That’s what really kills my ego, not being in control. There are so many times in life you can’t control the situation and you really shouldn’t even try. You just have to learn to let go and do the best you can with what you have. I think once you let go of control you can breathe a little easier and not get so hung up on what your ego is telling you. It’s your ego that worries what people think about you, whether you’re popular, or pretty, or funny, and when you’re not the funniest, prettiest, smartest, most popular one it’s your ego that takes the hit. If you get rejected or picked on it’s the ego that gets bruised. It is one of the most vulnerable parts of a person; no amount of exercise will strengthen it. Even the biggest and strongest, the quiet ones, the funny ones, we all have the same capacity to get hurt. Some people will look for a way to do so on purpose. By finding an arrogant person and “taking them down a notch” they boost their own ego. I’m not saying we should walk on eggshells and be careful not to hurt each others’ feelings, if you’re being honest with someone you will eventually hurt them. It’s the reason that matters most; honesty tends to hurt from time to time, that’s why it’s sometimes called brutal. We should just be aware of the effect when we do it and be sensitive to the ones who are processing the new information that they are not perfect.  

Judgment

I was running on a trail with my dogs today and got to thinking about judgment. Judge not lest ye be judged was the motto right? Well we are all judged every single day. Our friends, families, co-workers, even total strangers judge us on every little aspect of our lives and we do it to them. It’s natural, no matter how much you fight it you will still do it. You may not be trying to “keep up with the Jones’” but when something bad happens to someone you don’t like do you feel sorry for them? When Lindsay Lohan goes back to jail/rehab does a sick little part of you say at least that’s not me? I do. I was talking with someone about nutrition and exercise and I thought how much harder it would be for me to do if I weren’t in the military. Being in the infantry, I’ve been told to consider myself an athlete, and as such must stay in good physical condition to perform the job I love. I am also in a position of authority and must set a good example. Without a compelling reason would I still do the amount of exercise that I do? Most likely running would be walking and weight lifting would be non-existent. I still think I would have the same philosophy of trying to strengthen my mind, body, and spirit a little bit every day. Back to nutrition for a second, Nashville and it’s surrounding areas have some of the highest rates of obese children in America and its climbing. I think quite a bit about personal responsibility but what about these children who have been given too many choices too soon without being taught how to make the right ones. It’s easy to blame parents but doesn’t it take a village? What about the school that offers a 10 year old kid the choice between meatloaf and pizza or between green beans and ice cream; most kids get the pizza and ice cream. What about keeping kids physically active? Education is the foundation of everything we become. It all starts in that setting. If children are only given healthy choices in grammar and middle school then given some freedom in high school it only stands to reason that they will make better choices as adults. Teen suicide rates are skyrocketing, and for no other reason than others passing judgment. I don’t like you so I post something on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, MySpace, or some other social media site that sends you into a depression spiral, and then I find out that I had an effect on your psyche and I attack again. Without proper guidance and education judgment can turn to harassment, bullying, homicide, or suicide. That doesn’t mean that you should chastise yourself every time you’re glad that you’re not Lindsay Lohan. It just means that while it may be something that makes you feel better about who you are, if we’re not careful it can also be something that makes people not like who you are. I’ll admit I have a complex about young obese teens and pre-teens that have Type II Diabetes and are chowing down on a candy bar. It’s something I have to work on in my quest to be a better person. That doesn’t mean that I won’t keep trying to educate people about the importance of nutrition and the impact it can have on our country’s economy and health system. It just means I’ll try to be more understanding of the decision making processes that get people to where they are. I’ll still be glad I’m not Lindsay (and you should too) and I’ll still be jealous if someone gets promoted ahead of me. I’m just going to try and not gripe so much.

Redemption

So I’ve been thinking about redemption. I know everyone has their own thoughts on it. Call it whatever you want, karma, yin and yang, some other theory of global or personal neutrality, everyone has thought of it. You do something bad and bad things happen to you, it balances the scales. The same goes for good deeds, you get what you give. That means that there is some ethereal accountant keeping track of all your debts and credits. I’m not 100% sure about that one, it does seem like a nice idea to have somebody constantly punishing the wicked and rewarding the good. I know I’ve struggled with the idea that I have some giant set of scales following me around. Even the court system buys off on this concept, they call it community service. If you commit a nominal crime you can make it up to the community by “volunteering”  your time, thus balancing your scales. The more I thought about it the more I realized that you can’t always make up for it. Good or bad all of our actions have consequences, we have to learn from them, embrace them, make them part of who we are and be proud of all of who we are. I like the idea of redemption though, it’s something I truly believe in. I also like the idea that if you don’t repent and seek forgiveness then the universe will do it for you. That doesn’t mean that I think it actually happens that way. I could possibly be convinced that our ethereal accountant tries to keep a balance on a global scale, trying to balance good and evil. Personal responsibility is the watchword when it comes to ourselves, it drives everything in life. It is the reason we become who we are, the amount of responsibility we are willing to take for what we do. This is directly related to our successes and failures, our weight, our careers, our relationships, and in my opinion what happens to us when we die. I’ll speak on the subject of personal responsibility another time though. The biggest question is what to do when someone makes a mistake and then truly realizes the error and genuinely feels bad for what they have done. That’s where forgiveness begins, don’t think it’s a slow process. Forgiveness comes in many forms and takes different amounts of time depending on several factors. Forgiveness for one person could be no more than not retaliating while for another it could mean completely forgetting all transgressions, it could happen in an instant or over the course of a lifetime. Either way it’s a big freakin deal. I have done many bad things in the first half of my life and set out to spend the rest of my life either paying for them or making up for them. The weirdest thing happened, I started enjoying my career, my friendships improved, life was looking good. My life didn’t “balance” because of my need to repent, my life got better because I found a way to forgive myself for the things I had done and started moving forward trying to live better. Maybe that’s where the karma is, maybe it’s something we do to ourselves, torturing ourselves mentally over our past transgressions. I think the bottom line is just try to live a happy healthy life and good things are going to happen.

Hello

Today is my first foray into the world of blogging. I'm not sure what I'll be writing about in the years to come, but I hope I'll still be writing.