Weakness

Sometimes you can be surrounded by all the people in the world and still be alone.  It’s a byproduct of keeping everything inside.  It’s not easy to let all your crazy out at once and some things are just better off if you shove them down deep inside and try to figure them out at a later date.  It’s not the popular opinion today but being a man still means certain things in society whether we want it to or not (which I do).  No matter what the ladies are reading in the magazines these days they still want a man to be strong.  Women still want a man who can change a tire and doesn’t cry at the drop of a hat.  I think it goes both ways too; women keep certain things locked away for the sake of us men not thinking they’re an emotional wreck.  I still firmly believe that a man should be strong and independent, have certain “manly” skills like changing a tire and grilling the perfect steak.  I think men should open doors and pick up the check.  I also believe that people have to keep some things bottled up; the problem is when you never open up at all.  I have a big problem with this myself, I tend to keep the big things buried deep inside and it makes me flip out about little things.  I still carry around stuff from years ago and haven’t ever let it out.  I simply don’t know how to let it go and at inopportune times these things will rear their ugly heads and begin shaping my current state of emotion.  I’m not as bad as I used to be but from time to time I jump at sudden loud noises and I’ll shake for a few minutes afterwards.  I don’t really tell people why, I just deal with it, bottle it, and shove it back down where it came from.  I still have bad dreams from time to time and because I don’t think anyone wants to hear it (because I think it’s a bit silly) I wake up a little shaken, look around, and then shove it back down.  It’s a part of our nature we will most likely never let go of.  It’s a way of protecting ourselves from what we think society will see as a weakness.  How easy is it to truly open up, most of us have at some point or another in our lives been given a reason not to trust.  There are things we learn growing up that define the way we look at weakness and that in turn causes us to decide what we hide from the world.  Insecurity, paranoia, self-image, everyone deals with these issues.  We may deal with them in a different way but we still deal with them on a daily basis.  We act a certain way and reveal only so much of ourselves because we don’t want to be looked at as different.  The military has been working very hard the last few years to change this image but it’s an image that started thousands of years ago and won’t go away easily.  Sometimes it might just be easier to bury things than to deal with them but how do you know what or when?  I’ve been to literally dozens of funerals for friends and family and have not cried at a single one.  It’s not because I’m so strong, it’s because I didn’t want to.  I’m not made of stone, I just learned growing up (from tv, movies, and people around me) that men don’t cry.  The problem is keeping too much bottled up can be very lonely, you can be surrounded by people and still feel alone because you are the only one around who knows what is going on in your head.  As much as I’d like to be an emotional wreck some days I just think it’s too important that I know how to make great barbecue, shoot a gun, and drive a tractor.  Incidentally those are all things that get me to relax and forget the world even exists and that’s the key.  You don’t have to open up to everyone about everything; you just need to have an outlet.  Everyone needs a quiet hobby you can do all by yourself that makes you forget about everything but what you’re doing.