Evolution

I’m in my 30’s and I’ve never lived alone, as much as I love going out into the woods hiking and camping it’s usually only for hours or two days at the most.  I’m about to return home after being intermittently (but far more often than not) gone for two years.  During this time I have been surrounded by thousands of people, living on small overpopulated bases with 20,000-30,000 other troops.  I’ve become very used to having people around me; I’ve lived with as many as four of us in one room during this time period as well.  I have to admit I’m more than a little nervous about the prospect of going home because I know it means finding a place to live which will most likely mean being by myself.  I suppose it’s normal to have a little bit of apprehension towards the idea of something new.  It’s not just the living situation either; I have to start over completely when I get home.  Obviously I’ll have friends and family around but I’m starting over in my 30’s and it’s a little bit daunting.  The last two years have been financial security, independence, a job, food, a place to live, all the while being surrounded by people in a community that always has something to do.  I’m leaving an entire world I’ve become accustomed to, cafeterias, laundry services, world class gyms, MWR’s, USO’s, and a myriad of other services that have just become a part of my daily life.  While I won’t miss carrying a weapon everywhere I go or putting on body armor to go to work those things have become a part of my daily life as well.  Now I’ll go home to a quiet little country community and try to find a new kind of daily life.  I guess starting over is an ominous sounding way of describing what’s about to happen.  Maybe I should think of it more as evolving.  So I’m in my 30’s and my life is about to evolve, I have no idea what new evolution will ultimately come about, I guess all I can do is make every attempt to be a daily inspiration to myself and decide that I can be happy.  It might take some adjusting but I think I can handle it.

Community

I’ll be leaving Afghanistan and heading home to my family fairly soon; while I’m excited about seeing my family (pets included) and friends, I’m going to miss some things here.  While there are obvious cons to living on a FOB in the middle of Afghanistan, there are pros as well.  One of the good things about living on a base is the community.  Here we are a giant community where we know all of our neighbors; we hang out and smoke and talk, drink tea and coffee, go shopping and eat meals together.  Everything is in walking distance and there are always people around doing something.  Several people recently moved out of my building and the whole place feels completely different.  We went from 30 people to 9 in our building and it’s a different atmosphere.  This type of community is totally different than when I’m at home on a farm where nothing is in walking distance.  Living on forward bases for the last couple of years has been nice, while I will certainly enjoy the peace and quiet of the farm I know I will miss being in a place where I can just walk outside and see the gym, store, restaurant (chow hall), church, and a myriad of other places to gather.  I think this type of community is what comes naturally to most people, the feeling of being a part of something.  It’s a wonderful feeling to have when you are so far away from family; it’s going to be one of the few things about Afghanistan I will actually miss.  I will go back to living on a farm and loving every minute of it, the woods and wide open space are probably my best environments, but every time I get in my truck to go to the store or visit friends part of me will be missing the community here.  

Weakness

Sometimes you can be surrounded by all the people in the world and still be alone.  It’s a byproduct of keeping everything inside.  It’s not easy to let all your crazy out at once and some things are just better off if you shove them down deep inside and try to figure them out at a later date.  It’s not the popular opinion today but being a man still means certain things in society whether we want it to or not (which I do).  No matter what the ladies are reading in the magazines these days they still want a man to be strong.  Women still want a man who can change a tire and doesn’t cry at the drop of a hat.  I think it goes both ways too; women keep certain things locked away for the sake of us men not thinking they’re an emotional wreck.  I still firmly believe that a man should be strong and independent, have certain “manly” skills like changing a tire and grilling the perfect steak.  I think men should open doors and pick up the check.  I also believe that people have to keep some things bottled up; the problem is when you never open up at all.  I have a big problem with this myself, I tend to keep the big things buried deep inside and it makes me flip out about little things.  I still carry around stuff from years ago and haven’t ever let it out.  I simply don’t know how to let it go and at inopportune times these things will rear their ugly heads and begin shaping my current state of emotion.  I’m not as bad as I used to be but from time to time I jump at sudden loud noises and I’ll shake for a few minutes afterwards.  I don’t really tell people why, I just deal with it, bottle it, and shove it back down where it came from.  I still have bad dreams from time to time and because I don’t think anyone wants to hear it (because I think it’s a bit silly) I wake up a little shaken, look around, and then shove it back down.  It’s a part of our nature we will most likely never let go of.  It’s a way of protecting ourselves from what we think society will see as a weakness.  How easy is it to truly open up, most of us have at some point or another in our lives been given a reason not to trust.  There are things we learn growing up that define the way we look at weakness and that in turn causes us to decide what we hide from the world.  Insecurity, paranoia, self-image, everyone deals with these issues.  We may deal with them in a different way but we still deal with them on a daily basis.  We act a certain way and reveal only so much of ourselves because we don’t want to be looked at as different.  The military has been working very hard the last few years to change this image but it’s an image that started thousands of years ago and won’t go away easily.  Sometimes it might just be easier to bury things than to deal with them but how do you know what or when?  I’ve been to literally dozens of funerals for friends and family and have not cried at a single one.  It’s not because I’m so strong, it’s because I didn’t want to.  I’m not made of stone, I just learned growing up (from tv, movies, and people around me) that men don’t cry.  The problem is keeping too much bottled up can be very lonely, you can be surrounded by people and still feel alone because you are the only one around who knows what is going on in your head.  As much as I’d like to be an emotional wreck some days I just think it’s too important that I know how to make great barbecue, shoot a gun, and drive a tractor.  Incidentally those are all things that get me to relax and forget the world even exists and that’s the key.  You don’t have to open up to everyone about everything; you just need to have an outlet.  Everyone needs a quiet hobby you can do all by yourself that makes you forget about everything but what you’re doing.   

Regret and Guilt

Fun fact, nobody ever tells you about the regret when you’re trying to become a better person.  It’s strange really, things that you had thought were long forgotten sneak in and remind you of things you did that you wish you hadn’t, or that you had done differently.  Regret and guilt are necessary though.  There is no need to become a better person without them and using those feelings as a lesson or a tool is one of the ways you have to improve yourself.  The whole process of trying to improve yourself is that there is something you don’t like.  When trying to be a better person it’s almost always associated with guilt or regret.  They seem like bad words but they’re really just a sign that you might be evolving as a social being.  The tricky thing is to not allow yourself to get bogged down by it.  You have to keep looking forward and moving forward.  Make apologies when and where they are necessary but most of all just try to remember that things you have done or the person you were is the past.   The person you will be is guided by those regrets, the memories of the missteps or the steps not taken.  I have found that I spend what seems like half my waking time dealing with regrets about the past.  I am constantly second guessing myself about decisions I just made or am about to make.  Even in my sleep my dreams will often times remind me of things I wish I had done differently.  If I didn’t truly believe that it was a tool to help me remember to be a better person I would just go mad.  I had a very short period where I was really depressed because it seemed like I just couldn’t stop thinking about who I had been and wondering if it was the reason I had gone through troubles.  I wondered if I had done enough in my life to make up for my past.  I spent years just trying to do things that I thought might be able to balance the scales but then I began to wonder if just being a good person was enough.  You have to believe that you are a good person though or you’ll never feel like you’ve made up for the past.  That’s the tricky part about regret and guilt.  You need them, you have to use them, you just can’t let them linger or they make you crazy.  If you don’t believe you’re a good person you’ll never stop trying to fix the past and then the entire future will slip by.  Just spend every day trying to move forward in the best way possible. 

Leadership

I’ve been reflecting on life lately.  I’ve been thinking about where I am in life and where I wish I was and as luck would have it the two are mutually exclusive.  I enjoy where my life is and where it seems to be headed but it’s certainly not where I saw myself as a child.  I could blame all my past mistakes or all the lessons not learned.  I could blame it on listening to the wrong people but the truth is that I have never been where I thought I was and would wager I’m not today either.  Okay, geographically I know exactly where I am but metaphorically speaking I probably am nowhere near where I think I am.  As I look back on my life and think about where I was at different phases in it I realize that I never had a clue about where I actually was.  I always saw myself as a leader, I was cool, I was funny, I was popular.  None of those things make a leader, they are more conducive to a follower.  Don’t get me wrong, leaders can possess all of those qualities but people who focus on those qualities are not leaders.  People who want to be cool and popular tend to make their decisions based on what others will think of them.  Those are the people who choose their clothing, activities, what they say, their jobs, basically everything based on what others will think about it.  Those people are followers, slaves to public opinion and popularity.  A true leader will make their choices based on what they actually enjoy doing.  A true leader will make decisions based on what’s right not what’s cool or easy.  The funny thing is that a lot of people who weren’t cool or popular in high school become very much so in college and beyond.  Being a part of the herd is not always cool, sometimes you have to make choices that are not popular because they are the right choices.  When I look back in 20 years I’m positive that I will laugh at myself for ever having worried about where I am now.  I don’t know where I’ll be in 20 years but I’m sure it’s where I’m supposed to be and hopefully I can remember from now on that I’m not really cool or popular, I’m just a guy trying to make the right choices.

Patriotism

Well, today I have been thinking a lot about the occasional patriot.  You know them, the holiday blow hard, that drunken and boisterous guy who on holidays decides to tell everyone how great America is.  I get a ton of emails around the big patriot days.  Why don’t I get any emails telling me how terrible the Japanese are around December 7 or why isn’t February 23 “Punch a Mexican Day”?  That was the first day of the siege of the Alamo for you non-patriots!  How about “Shoot a Yankee Day” April 12^th, or “Kick a Brit Day” April 19^th (Fort Sumter and Lexington/Concorde)?  Here’s the deal, I’m glad that people want to be patriots and appreciate our service men and women.  What I don’t want is to be bombarded with emails about what happened and where I was when.  I was laying on my couch nursing a hangover by drinking a beer when it happened.  If you want to be a patriot on just a couple of days a year that’s great, cook a burger on July 4^th, but leave me alone on 9/11 please.  If you want to be a holiday patriot do our service people a favor and go to the airport in Bangor, Maine.  They have a group of full time volunteers that spend 8 hour days there shaking the hands of returning members of the military.  Go to Camp Shelby, Mississippi and say good-bye to the young men and women who are leaving and may not get to come back through Bangor.  If your thoughts are to pick a day to express your political beliefs wait until it gets a little closer to voting time.  Don’t get me wrong, I would never want to belittle anyone’s sense of patriotism or pride.  It’s a great thing; it just gets a little exhausting sometimes to be on this side of it.  I remember being on the other side and swelling with pride for my family members on those special days.  On this side of it I get humbled when people express such pride and gratitude.  I also get disappointed on occasions as well.  My first deployment the sendoff was full of pomp and ceremony, there were parades, proud families, and strangers were all around to see the heroes on their way.  The second deployment had families everywhere crying, mothers sad to send off their little boys and girls for the first time.  My last deployment I said my good-byes to my family and went to work, those of us leaving got on a bus and went to the airport as a few people in uniform watched us drive away.  I love to see the pride that most people have in being an American, but when a years’ worth comes out on only a couple of days it gets exhausting.  I’m not asking anyone to not remember what happened, what I’m asking is that you remember those who struggle on a daily basis with the loss of friends.  I didn’t know anyone in those towers or anyone who was at the Pentagon that day.  I have known people since then who didn’t return to their families.  I have known people who came home with fewer body parts than they left with, severe depression, mental disorders, and many other problems.  On a daily basis the majority of people in the military don’t even remember September 11^th, we remember other days.  My wish isn’t to ask people to not be patriots, my wish is that people would be patriots every day.  Visit a veteran’s hospital, donate time and or money to Operation Homefront, Wounded Warriors, or Disabled American Veterans.  We as members of the military ALWAYS appreciate the thanks and love of the citizens of our nation.  I would never want anyone to think otherwise, but please remember that there are those in your own community who still won’t have their legs, arms, eyes, etc. tomorrow either. 

Dreaming

I have been spending a lot of time dreaming lately.  I’ve been dreaming of going backpacking when I get home, I love being out in the woods.  I haven’t been able to go camping or doing anything more than day hikes in a few years.  It’s the whole idea of getting away from civilization that draws me in.  I don’t live in a city and while I see some social benefits to it, I personally don’t find it appealing.  I’ve always wondered why more people don’t venture out into the wilderness on their days off.  For me and my puppies it’s the best part of the week.  When I did live in a city I felt cramped, one of the things that made me feel better was the greenway system.  I would take the dogs out to the greenway and the national battlefield almost daily.  Over the years the woods have become more and more solitary, this is good for me because I like being out there by myself (and the puppies) but it seems a bad omen for children.  I have taken my daughter out on trails for a couple hours at time before and she seemed to enjoy it.  Like I said I enjoy the solitude but on some level I think it would also be nice to see parents taking their kids on day hikes and going camping.  I really wish more people would get into it.  Not everyone is cut out for one and two week excursions into the wild but there are so many parks and battlefields and greenways that everyone should be able to enjoy the outdoors on a weekly basis.  It’s therapeutic, it makes your whole day better which in turn makes other peoples' day better which then causes less fighting and then there is world peace.  I just wish I could see a more active society.  Adults get so busy with their jobs which they have decided are actually their lives, this trickles down to the children who in turn become serial killers.  Kids don’t even pass notes in class anymore, they text each other.  Skype and Facebook have taken the place of walking down the block to visit a friend.  I have actually seen two grown men in the same room have a conversation over instant message.  Is it so terrible to walk outside?  Our busy adult lives have attributed to lazy, depressed, overweight children.  The worst part is just that these children have become normal, overweight children are normal.  I am not exaggerating when I say that weekend walks in the woods can cure diabetes, probably not type 1 but who knows.  It obviously takes more than just a couple miles in the woods on a Saturday but it’s a start.  If we can begin to teach our children how important the outdoors are and how beautiful nature is it might just change their outlook on life as they grow up.  I dream of taking my dogs on hikes and trips.  I can’t wait to stand on the summit of a 14K peak in Colorado with them.  I realize this isn’t for everyone, I’m just suggesting that if everyone would do more walking in the woods that all of the problems of the world could be fixed.  You hear that?  Walking in the woods could possibly cure cancer and end world hunger, stop being lazy and complacent America!!!!

Perspective

It’s funny how most times our worth (both internal and external) is derived from or reflected in the people we choose to surround ourselves with.  Old sayings abound with the wisdom of birds of a feather.  What used to inspire people to seek betterment through befriending people they wanted to emulate has over the years been more interpreted by some to not reach too high.  When I was younger the people I spent the most time hanging around were the people I thought I was worthy of being around when I should have been choosing the people I wanted to be more like.  I had a very low sense of self-worth.   I felt I wasn’t good enough to be around a better class of people.  This attitude was also reflected for the most part in the girls I dated in college.  I let many great women go because I was afraid I might ruin her, I didn’t want people to see these girls with me and think less of them.  As I got older I began to realize the folly in this.  I have always been a person with a good heart even if I didn’t see it.  There have always been people around me who had faith in me and knew the type of person I had the potential to be.  Perspective is a very weird thing, while I had always thought I wasn’t good enough to hang around certain people or date certain women these friends always seemed to have this sad feeling because they knew I was too good to be hanging around the people I did.  It’s a difficult thing to look at yourself and give an honest assessment.  In my eyes my brothers are still these giant men that make me feel just a little bit smaller when I’m around them.  Not in a bad way, just that being the youngest and smallest growing up that’s just how I still see myself around them.  You can’t judge yourself necessarily by the company you keep either.  While you look around and think you are surrounded by people better than you there may be someone out there who thinks you are better than anyone else.  I don’t know how to fix self-image; if I did I’d be rich.  All I know is that the right perspective can change everything.  Instead of choosing the people you think you are worthy of try to choose the people that you wish you could be a little bit more like.  Remember that people see what they want to see, some may see your heart, others may see your past, and others still may see your potential.

A Bitter Rant

I haven’t written anything in so long I have no clue what’s about to happen here.  I just sat down and decided I need to write something.  Here we go.  I have been seeing/hearing a lot of people talking about giving everything to God lately, let me preface by saying I love Jesus as much as the next guy (unless the next guy is Joseph, he’s got the whole dad thing) but I was taught growing up in the church that prayer was private.  In fact I was always taught that your relationship with the lord was private.  Maybe I was taught wrong, not sure.  Preachers used to quote the verse “Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven.”   I guess the thing that bothers me is it sounds like giving up.  I’m a fighter so it just doesn’t feel right for me to just give up.  I know that people will take issue with this but hear me out.  I’m all for asking God for help, you should.  I am also a big fan of thanking him for gifts, you should.  David told Solomon “Be strong and courageous and do the work”.  I don’t mean to get down on fundamentalist or evangelical Christians I just get tired of people calling someone a “fag” before they go home and have premarital sex, the sins are no different, in fact what if the two men are married in a church by a preacher, they are then unified in the eyes of God right?   The college freshman spreading her legs for a pitcher of beer can’t say that.  It seems like it’s becoming more and more cool to blame God.  I’m not exactly a biblical scholar but it seems like he put people through a lot of things back in the day.  Moses didn’t “give it up to God”, God told him what to do and he went out and did it, over and over even when he wanted to quit.  I’m not just talking about giving up or making excuses or even hypocrisy, I’m talking about a lack of love.  I could spread verses all day about not giving up, “But you, take courage! Do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded.”  I wonder how the Westboro Baptist Church keeps gaining members, I’m pretty sure there is a serious lack of love in that entire group.  The thing is that to me it always sounds righteous which I guess would be the point technically but no one wants to be reminded that they’re a sinner.  If it were up to me every member of that church would burn alive but it’s not up to me.  Again, I have no problem with faith, it’s a part of my life, many people may not really know how much because I keep it mostly to myself.  The fact is I pray several times a day, mostly for forgiveness.  I pray when I wake up, when I go to bed, when I’m running sometimes, just whenever.  I don’t fold my hands and close my eyes; I just talk to Him in my head and no one knows any different but Him.  This post is getting a little long and it’s all over the place, sorry if I offended, well pretty much everybody.

Moral Compass

Okay, here are my thoughts on gay marriage, I have none.  I realize that New York’s recent decision has some people happy, others not so much.  As for me I really don’t care because it doesn’t affect me.  Don’t be upset because you’re a staunch Christian who thinks I’m going to Hell or because you are homosexual and think I should have an opinion of some sort.  My policy is simple, I really don’t care what people do with their private lives as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone or affect me in a negative way.  Being straight I find the thought of me being with a man a little icky but the thought of whatever you decide to do is your business.  The marriage thing is tricky because over the centuries it has been turned into a religious institution but it was there before any religion I’m sure.  It was a business arrangement in many ancient cultures, today too.  Even before that there were people who stayed together because they just couldn’t stand the thought of one person being with someone else.  Now is the time to scream about morality but then I bring out the moral compass argument.  Anyone who knows map reading and land navigation understand the compass and the different versions of north.  There is magnetic north (religion), grid north (society), and true north (somewhere in between).  Your moral compass is calibrated by your upbringing.  Some religious people will say that something is wrong because of their religion, a certain society would differ (especially if they never knew that religion), but somewhere in the mix of all this would be where the truth lies.  I think that society and different religions should probably always be pushing each other back and forth.  Without one then the other could completely dominate the ideals.  I am one who believes that arguing and fighting helps to keep us closer to the middle.  If a society becomes too loose and allows their morals to slip into a place where hurting each other could become normal then that is bad.  The reverse is also true though, if religion is allowed free reign over what is moral and good then perhaps we would lose too many freedoms, even the freedom to do things that don’t hurt anyone at all.  One of the worst is when a government, any government decides to take the place of religion or society or both in this natural event because there is almost no way to stop that government from dictating what is good and moral or what is allowed.  So this hasn’t really been about gay marriage, I just needed a good jumping off point.  My main point is that everyone is entitled to their opinion, except the government, they should be forced to reflect the opinions of the people they serve and refrain from dictating morality, let us hash it out ourselves.  We are ultimately smart enough to figure out what is best for ourselves.  Once you realize that your moral compass might need recalibrated. 

Excess

I’ve been away from this blog for a while now, been pretty busy.  Today I was thinking about something and the only way I could think to express it was here.  I was in the gym and began thinking about a story I read, not sure when I read it but the basis was about members of the military going to extreme measures to ensure they pass their height and weight exams.  Doing things like liposuction, bulimia, anorexia, mostly complaining how unfair it was that the military expected them to be in shape and healthy.  This argument holds about as much weight with me as someone protesting a failing drug test, you were well aware of the rules when you joined.  Slightly off course, back on track, let’s talk about excess.  The idea of having to go to extremes seems ludicrous to me, why not just exercise and watch what you eat?  Why not be responsible enough to say enough at the table?  I looked at a picture of members of the military during WWII and thought about what size they were, true we have gotten slightly larger as a populace but the two or three inches in height doesn’t warrant the fifty or so pounds we have gained.  Those people in that picture were smaller because they didn’t try for anything more than they needed in life.  They didn’t have big expensive houses or luxury cars.  Wellfare was something unthinkable, something you were ashamed of.  Those people didn’t want anything they couldn’t earn, they also didn’t want to give away the things they had worked so hard for.  They had small houses that fit their families and had enough room to have guests over, they had family and friends help to build the house so they could keep the mortgage small and pay it off quickly.  They saved their money and paid cash for cars, the attitude of that entire generation was to earn everything, owe no one, take only what you needed, and help those around you hoping they would do the same for you.  That was the way my grandparents were raised, it wasn’t a southern thing or a northern thing, it was the way Americans thought and felt.  Excess actually embarrassed most people, whatever was left each month after bills and expenses wasn’t spent on things, it was put away for the future, retirement, charity, emergencies, etc.  I wonder how exactly we went from being so strong and independent to depending on everyone for everything.  I know it ultimately stems from not appreciating what we have and always wanting more, what would happen if people actually started wanting less.  It’s amazing, when you want less then you need less, if you need less and therefore have less then the government has less control over you.  It’s simple really, the less you have, the more free you become.  You don’t owe banks or governments or people, you can retire earlier and happier, and you live healthier lives.  Everything boils down to not wanting anything more than you need.

Opportunity of a Lifetime

I have been neglecting my writing, mostly because I have been busy. I have been in Fort Polk and now Grafenwoehr, Germany and next week I’ll be in Bulgaria. I went on a day trip to Prague this past weekend. I have been given an amazing opportunity this year to see and experience so much. The problem is that lately I have been forgetting that little fact and concentrating on any little thing that gets me out of my routine. I’m a creature of habit and it takes me a long time to recover from a break in my routine. I’ve been concentrating on inconvenience instead of focusing my energy on the opportunities staring me in the face. I’m sure that missing my family, friends, and my dogs is a small part but whatever it is I’m going to enjoy what I have in front of me. Sometimes we forget what’s in front of us because we keep thinking about what’s behind us. That’s not to say you should forget, just learn to enjoy your surroundings and live in the moment a little. We tend to rush everything these days; our focus is less on our daily interactions than on getting through the day. I’ve spent a month in Germany and in that time I’ve met some nice people, ate great food, seen things most people don’t get to see, and done things I never would have had the opportunity to do at home. I’m going to spend more time enjoying my life, it’s important I think to just breathe slowly and take it all in sometimes. 

Adapt

I have spent the last few weeks working with some guys from Bulgaria.  I’m not exactly an ambassador so this has been a lesson in patience for me.  They come from a country that works on what we call a polychronic time schedule, this means they don’t stick to timelines very well.  This is the exact opposite of me, I’m early for everything and I like to get down to business and get things done.  Having to learn how to work on a different type of “schedule” has been very new to me.  Add to that the fact that we barely understand each other and don’t know each other has made this what you might call an exciting opportunity for personal growth.  A couple days ago I had to teach a class to people who couldn’t understand what I was saying about weapons that I didn’t have.  It was a difficult task to say the least but we all got through it and learned a little something.  One thing I’ve learned is that you can’t just give up on something, sometimes you just have to figure out a way.  I feel like sometimes we give up on things too easily, we have gotten a little too relaxed in America.  I used to drive to the mailbox to get the mail and now I don’t think twice about spending twenty minutes walking to get food.  At home I wouldn’t have considered not driving to the store but the other night I walked about an hour to a restaurant and then another hour back.  It’s amazing what we can get used to, good and bad.

Internet

I’ve been busy and my internet has been terrible so I have finally put some updates to my blog, two were written in April.

My Little Pal

My little running partner had knee surgery for torn ligaments; this means she may never be my running partner again. She has a whole year to recover while I’m gone though. The vet said she’s doing great and she tried to put weight on it the day after surgery. I wish I could be as resilient as her, she’s away from home in a strange place with a busted leg and apparently she is trying to get better so she can get home. I can’t imagine what she is feeling right now. I know what it’s like to be away from home but I made that conscious decision to do so. The vet doesn’t want me coming by and definitely doesn’t want me bringing her brother to see her because she would get too wound up. She will have to be caged for 6 weeks and then rehab the leg for a few months. I have no idea how it must feel to be scared and all alone and then when she comes home to have to be confined to a cage. She’s going to literally sit around and watch the world go on around her. I am reminded of some times in my life where I was similarly sitting around watching the world turn from winter to spring with no way to be a part of it. The worst part I think is that I will be leaving just a few days after she gets home but at least she’ll have my parents and the other dogs around her. I don’t know how many of you have been trapped in a strange place with no friendly faces before but it would seem like the sort of thing that would drive you into a deep depression. It got me to thinking about how when I see an animal with troubles I immediately feel the need to help but when it’s a person I somehow have this urge to get away. I don’t want to see people in distress. Is it easier to avoid someone in pain than to be reminded that it could be you? Is that why sometimes when I see a homeless person at a stop light I immediately start fiddling with my radio? Why is it so different when it’s an animal or a child? It’s not just because they are seemingly helpless; maybe part of me wants to believe or at least hope that I would not make the decisions that put an adult in that situation but then again I also feel very uncomfortable around sick people. Probably the whole mortality thing, I realize it’s selfish and that’s why I wish I was a little more like my puppy, if anyone is sick or injured she rushes to them to comfort them and I find that remarkable. She doesn’t have any of the hang ups I have developed as an adult, she just wants to help. Hopefully some of her kindness can rub off.

Imperfect

I’ve kind of taken a break from Twitter and FaceBook this week, mostly unintentional but it kind of felt good. I got to thinking about all the time I used to spend outdoors when I was growing up (I’ve been outdoors doing training all week) and how much exercise I got just running around with my friends. We have possibly the biggest generational gap between thirty-somethings and twenty-somethings, if you’re in your thirties and have a question about computers or games your children might be your best source of knowledge, they might have to ask you the rules to flag football though. When did it become more important for kids to find friends and communicate online than face to face? More than once I have called someone and they wouldn’t pick up but promptly sent a text message asking what I needed, most of the time I could have just said what I had to say and been on my way but instead I get to spend several minute trying to thumb out the words! Science has proven that human contact and verbal communication are essential to healthy emotional stability. I’m not saying that texting and video games are the reason Tucson just had a massacre; some people are just beyond help. What I am saying is that when we move away from what we were designed to do, living the way we were meant to, that it can cause problems. Everyone has a design, some internal thing that drives them to be what they are. This design used to drive people to what they were meant to be and we have ignored it for so long that it is no longer the norm to step out of our comfort zone and attempt to be great. Not everyone is destined to be a hero, or famous, or rich and powerful but we were all meant to be great at something. We should constantly try to improve ourselves; no one starts out being ok with just being ok. I don’t have a glamorous job but it’s one I love so I do my best to be my best. That’s not to say I don’t slack off every now and then, you can’t run full throttle all day every day. Some people will tell you to take things day by day and just do your best each day, which can be tiring. I see my ideal end-state and work towards that, the key is not to give up or feel down when you mess up. Nobody can be perfect any day let alone every day. 

Hypocrisy

Today I have been kicking myself in the butt. Not that long ago I was complaining about being judged by who I used to be, a man was judging me off of an experience he had with me 6 years ago and yesterday I found myself doing the exact same thing, I was judging someone by who I thought they were 5 years ago the last time I saw them. The worst part of this is that I wasn’t even talking to this person, someone else brought their name up and I immediately began to speak about that person as if he could not have possibly changed, even though I have no idea what he is like today. It’s what we call a knee jerk reaction, a reflex. It’s difficult for us to not think about someone as the person they were the last time we saw them but it’s something I really want to get better about. Hypocrisy is a dangerous thing but it’s something everyone is guilty of to some extent. How many times have you and a friend talked about someone who’s “shady” but you did it behind their back? Like I said, we all do it from time to time. Perfection is never attainable, the best we can hope for is that we recognize these things when we do them, preferably before someone else sees it and “calls” us on it. I was affected all night last night by the thought of what perception I had thrown out there about myself, what kind of man I had just shown myself to be. This morning I apologized to the person I had made those comments to, not because I thought I had offended them but because I felt as though I showed myself to be the type of person that I truly don’t believe I am. I had a momentary lapse in self awareness and I will have to work that much harder the next time. One of my faults is also one of my strengths, I am a communicator, I enjoy talking to people and listening to people. One of the problems with this is that I sometimes talk too much and it can annoy some people or I just don’t fully think through what I’m about to say and how some people may react to it. In the army we call it a “filter malfunction”. I guess I just need to work harder at engaging my filter and remembering that hypocrisy is an easy little evil to fall prey to. So it’s not just do unto others as you would have done to you, you have to also think/speak about others as you would like them to speak/think about you.

Pro-Words

This week I’ve been doing some refresher medical training. We’ve been going over how to treat gunshot wounds and collapsed lungs. I’ve done this training almost yearly since 2004, the first time was before my first deployment. It’s not something you can even picture yourself having to do in a real world situation so it doesn’t truly register the way it should. Often times I don’t value things the way I should at first. When I was younger I wanted to be popular and I was successful too. I always defined myself by what was around me instead of what was inside of me. I was the funny kid, the popular guy, the life of the party, the player, the ladies man, etc. That was how I saw myself and consequently how I was seen. I never saw myself as the smart one, the person with a kind heart, the good Samaritan, the reliable guy, the person making a difference in the world, or any of the things I would like to be seen as now. It’s amazing how your perception changes as time goes by. The things we value and even the way we value things evolves over the years. As we begin to realize the things that will last we re-prioritize the pro-words we want used to describe us. The worst part is that when we try to be what we’re not, other people don’t use the pro-words we want. In college my words were cool, funny, ladies man; other peoples’ words for me were probably more like drunk, slutty, and lazy. I don’t know this for sure but looking back that’s what seems to fit. I think the one word that’s been there since high school is lonely. I was always acting the way I was and doing the things I did because I hated being alone. I was never alone, for a while I lived in a house with 28 people in it! Anytime I stopped dating a girl I already had another one waiting, I never sat at home because that meant sitting in the quiet by myself. I just didn’t like being by myself, never really have.  In my thirties I have no idea what my words will be but hopefully they might be something like kind, generous, overwhelming joy, adventurous, or significant change. I don’t know if you’ve ever thought about the words you use to describe yourself versus the words others might be using but when I really looked back it was easy to see they were not the same.

Courage

Today I got to thinking about how I’m going to spend this next year, not where I’m going or what I’ll be doing but how I want people to see me. How do I want to live this next year, I could say the easy stuff like I’m going to work out more and several other things that I am planning on doing. I think the biggest change is that I want to live my life with more integrity and more courage. Integrity is a soundness of moral character while courage is a quality of the spirit. I know I’m a fairly brave person but that isn’t the same as courage, I read about a German man named Dietrich Bonhoeffer. This man had courage, he is a 20^th century martyr who founded the Confessing Church and worked as a double agent against Hitler. He was eventually captured and executed after the failed assassination attempt on Hitler. I don’t expect to find myself in any situation where I would be martyred; I just want to find that part of me that has the strength to do the right thing even when it’s uncomfortable or unpopular. I think that’s been one of my biggest flaws my whole life. While I may be brave I have never been courageous enough to be unpopular. So this next year I want to live with courage and integrity, the integrity to always know what the right things to do are and the courage to do them. I think I’ve just been selfish, I saw kids get picked on in high school but didn’t want to risk my own popularity. I see the homeless trying to sell their newspapers and I hope I don’t get stuck at the red light next to them. I’ve heard a saying since I was little, “act as if”, it basically means always act as though you are being watched, because you are. This year I don’t want to do anything that I’m not proud to say I did, it’s a tall order and sure I’ll slip but hopefully the overall feel of the year will be good. I know that I’ll end up doing things throughout the year that I don’t want to tell my mother or my pastor but as long as I am making a constant effort to do better I’ll consider it a success. I don’t want to be popular anymore, I just want to be a better role model for my daughter before she gets too old for me to influence.