A lesson about the princess.

Princesses are the beginning of a relationship but not the final goal.  A princess is not allowed to make decisions, a princess does not demand equality, a princess does not require the level of commitment that a queen does. The image of a princess brings forth the thoughts of a woman trapped and waiting on a prince to save her. When a man begins a relationship with a woman he should most definitely treat her like a princess.  He should rescue her from whatever life she was living and show her that he can give her a better one.  A man should be the prince that rescues the princess.  At some point along the way though the man should begin to realize that he should begin to act like a king instead of a prince and as such treat the woman he loves as a queen instead of a princess.  A man can’t truly believe that the woman he loves is helpless and in need of rescuing forever. You should begin to realize that you are on a journey together and should treat your significant other as such. A queen is expected to make decisions, to contribute, to be a pillar of support, to be a partner. In contrast a princess isn’t required or expected to be any of these things. A princess is only asked to be present and be grateful. If this is what you expect for too long a period then the whole relationship is doomed. While many men are programmed to be the prince there aren’t many men who have been taught how to be a king.  Our society could be much better served if men were taught how to be the king with a queen by their side rather than just the prince rescuing the princess.  Yes, the prince is an important step in the process but if the prince doesn’t have the ability to grow into the king then the princess will be stifled without the ability to grow into a queen.  Without the ability to become a partner in the relationship the woman will eventually begin to resent the man for holding her back.  This is why I say you can’t keep treating a woman like a princess. Girls are princesses, women are queens.  The difference may seem small but it’s actually quite large.

Remembering during the holidays

Today is Christmas, today is a day to remember why we are here.  We are here to celebrate our loved ones.  I’ve missed many holidays over the years but I’ve somehow only missed one Christmas in 2004.  I’ve been very fortunate and so I spend holidays with family but then I think of all the people who can’t make it home for the holidays and one thing I love is getting together with people who can’t be around their families and having dinner.  I’m always a little sad because I can’t remember a Christmas in the last 10 years when I didn’t know someone who was overseas away from their families.  I know they are with loved ones and celebrating the best they can.  We see a lot of attention pouring into our efforts to make sure they are remembered but I wish we would remember all the veterans who came home but never really came home.  These men and women often have such a difficulty assimilating into society and refuse to get help.  They often wind up homeless and helpless.  It’s a disturbing thing to know that so many of our nation’s heroes just don’t have the ability to get themselves the help they need. Our nation loves a hero when they need one; we put them on pedestals and turn our men and women in the armed forces into something we can’t live up to.  As members of the military, especially combat arms, we find out what the power of ruling over life and death is.  We find out what it feels like to be thought of as a hero and it makes us uncomfortable.  We often times have trouble dealing with the things we’ve done in the name of good.  It’s not an easy thing to reconcile and causes a serious case of cognitive dissonance when you have to do bad things in the name of good.  We come home and have all the power taken away from us; we are left with our adrenaline addiction and hero complex but no way to satisfy the urges.  We are made sad every day by the things we see with no way to fix them.  We can’t let go of the idea that we had the ability to truly change the world and remove evil.  This causes us to feel isolated and to believe that our loved ones can never understand.  We feel sad for the people who actually can understand because that means they have seen the same horrible things.  As a society we need to be more open to the people we see on street corners, less judgmental and more loving.  That person may not be able to function in a society that doesn’t need them as heroes.  They may feel worthless and useless; they may believe that living that way is all they deserve.  While we remember our heroes abroad during the holidays I would like us all to remember the ones we have here who may never be able to stop fighting the battles in their hearts and minds.

Tomorrow

            Tomorrow is the Marine Corps birthday; it also marks the 11 year mark in my dedication to servicing the needs of the country. In my time in service I have deployed in support of hurricane relief, deployed twice to Iraq and once to Afghanistan, as well as traveling to many other countries.  I have been blessed to meet many quality people who have shaped my views, morals, and ethics.

            I look back at the opportunities I’ve had and the thing that strikes me most is not what has been taken but what has been given to me.  Because of my service I certainly have lost many things but when I look back I don’t see those things. What I see are great memories; I see traveling through Europe with friends, I see sitting on the beach at the Black Sea drinking a beer with my close friends, I see all the pranks we used to play on each other, mostly though I see a group of friends who even if we don’t see each other often would kill for each other to this day.

            Today is the Veterans’ Salute at MTSU’s football game.  This whole weekend is full of things like free meals, parades, celebrations, and many people giving thanks to our service members.  While we certainly love and appreciate all the gestures, there are many veterans who won’t go and get these free meals, some because it doesn’t feel right to take something for free, others are the ones who truly need the meals.

            There are a great many homeless veterans in and around the Murfreesboro area.  It’s an amazing thing to think about, the way many of these homeless are viewed.  So many of the truly homeless you won’t see.  They will stay out of the public eye for the most part.  You won’t see the majority of homeless veterans on the street corner in the middle of the day.  How can so many veterans be homeless?  PTSD takes away your ability to rationalize, it takes away your ability to be motivated, and it takes away your willingness to be a member of society.

            PTSD leads to depression which in turn leads to drinking which then worsens the depression.  It’s a vicious circle that is extremely hard to get out of.  It takes the love and support of family and friends.  It takes people willing to step in and force their love and care on you. I’ve been very lucky, I had people who were concerned and stepped in.  I was lucky enough to have someone I call my sister move in and keep watch over me, cheer me up when I was sad, and to this day remind me daily that life is good and I can be great.

            This weekend isn’t just Veteran’s Day for me.  It’s the time I get to celebrate another year of being a part of something that has given me so much more than it has taken from me.  I see the losses as the price I have to pay to be allowed to continue doing something that means so much to me.

Often times people tell me they wish they could understand what it’s like to live with PTSD.  This isn’t something we want to hear, we don’t want you to know. We want to be very selfish with it because it is our burden.  It is the cross that is born by the men and women who chose to live this life and we don’t want to share it with anyone else.  I’m glad you don’t understand because that would mean that you’ve had to live through something traumatic.  The reason I did it was so that you didn’t have to go through it. So while you want to have empathy, we don’t want you to have to live with it which is the only way to truly understand.

Knee-jerk Reactions

It’s the holiday season again which means a lot of people going through depression.  While it’s not exactly true that there is a huge spike in suicides around this time of year it is certainly true that there are more deaths due to cold and hunger. I’m not sure why Christmas and Hanukah fall in the most depressing time of year.  Maybe it was just a little piece of genius to try and cheer everyone up?  This year is going to be especially sad for Newtown, CT and to make matters worse, we as a society have become such a conglomerated group of insensitive politicians that the bodies of those children had not even been removed from the school and people were debating gun laws.  I found it pretty disgusting on both sides; though I’m a pretty down the middle kind of person I found the liberal tactics to be a little more evil. The conservative arguments were predictable and straight forward, the liberal side made it a point to both chide conservatives for using the incident and in the same statement say that we need to start removing firearms from people.  My own personal view is that no one should have even mentioned these things until at least the children were buried.  This is a time to support, help, console, and aid that town and those people.  I have grown so tired of seeing the mad man’s face plastered all over the news.  The media has in my opinion been fairly irresponsible in the manner in which they have been putting out information.  The public has been jumping to conclusions and ultimately just using this as a way to push their own opinions on people.  Before you speak think about this, a gun ban won’t take one weapon off the streets, it will only change what is produced in the future.  There will still be literally millions of these weapons out there.  I want to know why no one in the media has mentioned how stupid and irresponsible that man’s mother was.  Call me insensitive but I’m just gonna call a spade a spade.  That idiot of a woman had a son with serious mental issues and she chose to take him to the gun range on a regular basis, she chose to have several unsecured weapons in her home, she chose to leave him alone quite often while she went to the bar (where she was described as “very popular”), she chose to let him know she was going to have him committed, and she chose to allow him to have a .22 rifle of his own.  This woman was stupid.  I want to know why people’s first reaction is to push an agenda.  I’m a Christian but I don’t feel like you have to be a Christian, or even religious, to be a good person.  I’m already tired of seeing Christians telling everyone that the only thing that could have prevented tragedy is belief in a Christian god.  I’m not aware of very many shootings in Madrasas or Mesivtas.  I really wish that as a society our first reaction would have been to push an agenda of sending help.  I really wish that I hadn't seen a political statement within the first 10 minutes after the news broke.  Lisa Ling’s first tweet, minutes after the news, was “Why are we still not seriously talking about gun control?” then a few minutes later she mentioned the families.  I think that’s a pretty good representation of both sides’ insensitivity.  I just don’t understand how or why we have become so self-centered as a society, maybe I’ll address that in the next writing.

The Only Father I'll Ever Have

The most memorable person in my life is my father; his actions shaped the path of my life. My life has taken its course due to his stories and guidance. I grew up all over the world because he was in the army. My father spent two and a half years fighting in Vietnam. He had many emotional scars I didn't understand myself until much later on. The only thing I knew as a kid was that when I ran into his bedroom in the middle of the night with a fruit basket on my head yelling words like “Di di moa!” he would roll onto the floor and I would just laugh! He never got upset about it, my mom on the other hand always got fairly mad, partly because she knew how this messed with my father and partly because I kept waking her up.

                Whenever I had questions he had answers or sage advice at the ready. It was April 15^th 1985 when we had the sex talk; our neighbors had little girls, just old enough to walk, outside naked. I ran back inside confused, I had no idea what was going on over there so I asked my dad why they didn't have what I did have. The reason I remember the date so well is because of his answer, he was always doing things at the last minute. He answered simply, “Your thing goes in it but not until you’re married now leave me alone, I’m doing taxes.”

                There were many other things about my father that leave me laughing and many things that make me proud. After he retired from the military in 1988 we didn't have very much money. My mother, father, brother, myself, and a German Shepherd all lived in a Winnebago for 4 months before moving into a motel room and then finally renting a house. My dad made $9000 that year. His dream was to teach at MTSU but the Aerospace department wasn't very big and had all the faculty they needed.  He was a pretty tenacious dude when it came to his dreams though. He wound up writing a couple new courses and they eventually got approved, he was hired on as an adjunct to teach them.  It had been a very long year of scraping by but we weren't done yet. 

My father toiled in factories and warehouses making what he could to support his family while he waited to get on full time. Eventually he was hired on full time with the university and then tenured and is still living his dream to this day. That was a powerful lesson I've always remembered throughout my life, try hard, work hard, don’t take no as long as there’s still a yes out there. Later on after my many years of poor choices (which he always stood by me and suffered with me) I decided to join the military and when I joined the National Guard he not only supported me, he swore me into service. When my brother joined the military and graduated basic training, my father was there to pin his blue cord on his shoulder showing he had joined the fraternity of infantrymen. Later on down the road my brother advanced his career and became an officer, again my father was there to commission him into the officer corps.

 Throughout mine and all my brothers’ lives he has always been supportive in all our endeavors, even if he didn't completely agree. Throughout mine and my brother’s multiple deployments he has been a constant support for my mother and our families. I honestly don’t know how they would have fared without him. He tells some of the corniest jokes known to man but he’s smiling and laughing while he tells them so you wind up laughing whether you want to or not. He has always loved us so much it was sometimes embarrassing. He always supported us growing up and he always supports us now, no matter what we do. He doesn't have an ounce of hate in his heart and he’s never met a stranger. He has four semi-screwed up sons that he thinks are absolutely perfect and we have a semi-screwed up dad that we know is absolutely perfect. 

Who Are You?

When we were growing up we all wondered what kind of person we would become.  We all had dreams of what we wanted to be.  Do you still think about it today?  I think for most of us, we have regrets. At some point, we stop wondering who we are going to be and start wondering why we aren't who we thought we would be.  I get stuck in ruts every once in a while and look back at where I turned left and a right would have been better.  I try not think back and have regrets, which is almost impossible considering the choices I've made.  I sat down today and thought about who I want to be, it was kind of refreshing.  I realize I am in a unique position where I am starting over and I get to focus on who I’m going to become.  I still think it’s a good idea for everyone to once a month, take a look around you and decide where you want to be next month, next year, next decade.  My current journey has made it impossible to live the life I had before both due to time constraints and much less money, but I believe in the end that where I want to be will be worth the sacrifice.  I hadn't thought about it in such a long time, I had spent so much time trying to navigate the future according to the past that I forgot how easy it is to look forward and make a plan.  Even if the plan doesn't work out it’s a road map.  If something happens that changes the direction you’re going, don’t look back right away.  Stop and take a look at how it affects where you want to be and who you want to be.  It wasn't until about 9 months ago that I decided I wanted to be a college professor and I have been working hard to get there.  I have opportunities ahead of me that will give me a great shot at it.  I have things in my past that will make it difficult but I refuse to look at those or worry about those.  If something happens and I have done everything I can to get where I want to be and external forces prevail, I will still have a bachelor’s degree from a good university and hopefully a master’s degree from a private university.  At the very least I will wind up with a master’s degree and the ability to find a good job even if it’s not the one I thought I would have.  At this point I have done nothing in my life that I planned on as a kid and it’s been a great life.  I have had a life full of surprises, disappointments, wonderful friends, excellent adventures, world travels, extreme ups and downs, magnificent times, and great and wonderful experiences.  I wouldn't trade one mistake for a hundred right turns when I was younger.  I just wish everyone could take a minute and look forward, evaluate who you want to be when you grow up.  I promise you’re not done yet and you always have time to change the world.

Depression

Life sucks.  Life is difficult and unfair, day in and day out we struggle.  We all have good days and bad days and we hope on hope on hope that our good days always outnumber the bad ones.  The only way to get through is by trying, it’s not something to be done alone.  You have to be open, to help, to change, and always understanding that nothing is permanent.  It’s important to have friends to go through things with.  There have been a lot of military suicides lately and I’ve known a few of them.  It may be scary to the average American that we soldiers, the ones who are supposed to be tough, can have a moment of so much weakness.  It is infinitely scarier for us.  You have lifted us up and put us on a pedestal and we relished in the idea so much so that when we have a moment of weakness we have no idea how to handle it.  We lose our friends in combat and we understand it.  It’s a death we know how to handle.  When we lose them at home we don’t have any way to deal with it, we don’t know how to understand it.  We grieve for them but also wonder how they got to a point so low that they saw no way out.  We wonder if it’s something that could happen to us.  Some of us may even get to a point where our thoughts are dark and our emotions are untethered and we’re frightened and alone.  We may be surrounded by people but like a wounded animal, we will hide and seek solitude.  We may make it through that rough night to the morning but it drains us.  It leaves us mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.  It’s not something you can do over and over by yourself but even surrounded by people we still feel completely alone.  This is when we have to make a decision, a decision to reach out.  Just like the wounded animal, we heal much faster with help.  How can we convince ourselves to do this?  We have a belief that the people who would care would never understand and the people who would understand would never care.  Sometimes we do things in our line of work that are not in our nature as human beings.  That’s where we get the idea that people won’t understand, how could they?  We have to retrain ourselves to know what the truth is and to believe it.  Those that understand will care greatly, because at some point they reached out to someone too.  I’ve had so many highs and lows that I clearly see that no matter how trivial you may think it is, there is someone out there who is concerned for your well-being.  We suffer in silence and it’s a disservice to the people who care about us.  I struggle with being an open enough person as well.  I am plenty open with the trivial things in my life until my low points and then I don’t want to bother people with my problems.  I realize it’s wrong but it’s what we all do.   

The Manly Arts

So I was drinking pink lemonade today and I got to thinking about some things.  What’s more manly, the fact that I can kill and clean an animal and take it from woods to the table or that I love drinking pink lemonade?  I have in the past mentioned how important I believe the manly arts are.  In fact, I believe they are slowly disappearing and should be saved with all expedience!  I would almost be willing to start a summer camp and charge metros a very large fee to wear plaid and learn how to chop wood and gut animals, how to properly handle rifles and pistols, the correct methods for grilling meat, and a myriad of other endangered arts.  I also believe that pink lemonade is one of America’s greatest inventions right beside the ice cream cone and movies.  I have heard way too many men refuse to drink pink lemonade because of its color and that’s fine, it leaves more for me!  Perhaps a man who refuses to drink pink lemonade is in fact no man at all, most men who I know that do enjoy a nice glass of pink lemonade also hunt, fish, and hold the door open for ladies.  I would say that if you want to judge a man you should ask him his feelings on this fine beverage.  If he is highly offended that you would suggest such a thing then perhaps he needs to own more plaid shirts or blue jeans.  I am announcing to the whole world that the art of manliness begins and ends with the willingness to choose a drink for its taste, not its color!  I think a manly man would be more than secure enough to say there’s a great many refreshments available but the pink ones are usually tasty and delicious!  Before anyone decides to judge me too harshly let’s remember a few things.  I can ride a horse or a motorcycle.  I can drive the heck out of just about anything with tracks or tires.  I am a highly proficient marksman with American and foreign weapons.  I can kill, cook, and eat just about anything with legs (you can’t spell meat without eat).  I would be willing to teach these things to “men” who don’t know how for an outrageous fee as well.  I’m just saying that when it comes to drinking on a weekday after 10am and before 5pm then there is no way you can go wrong with pink lemonade guys!!!!

Update

It has been several months since I have put anything on here. I could make all kinds of excuses as to how busy I have been but the truth is I could always find five minutes to write down my thoughts, I just didn’t.  To make up for my laziness I have over compensated in other aspects by signing up to do my first triathlon this summer. Also since my last post was about me coming home to start over I should probably say a little bit about how that is going.  I have adjusted well to life in the country, I do miss being in such a large community sometimes but when I get bored I have a pool, gym, four wheeler, trails to run on, and many other things accessible to me.  Being in the National Guard it is very difficult to qualify for 100% of the GI Bill but I have finally done so and decided that if I’m truly going to start over then why not do it by going back to school.  I have enrolled in school full time but I am more than a little nervous.  My last attempt didn’t go so well because I always worked full time while trying to go to school full time so my GPA is slightly lower than I would like but now that I won’t have to work while going to school I will have no excuses.  It’s also more than a little nerve wracking to be going to school in my (mid) 30’s.  I would much rather be seen as the unbelievably extremely attractive super awesome mature guy but I’m afraid it’s probably going to be more like the creepy old dude.  Oh well, if my biggest complaints in life are that the other kids at school don’t think I’m cool then I don’t guess I’m doing too badly.  There are many people in this world with real problems; I’ve seen many first hand who don’t even know they have it bad.  I have a lot of things I’m nervous about right now (I refuse to say afraid) but I believe I can do well.  I have a couple of triathlons this summer (itty bitty short ones!) and I’m going to try my first half-marathon this fall.  I will gain strength from my community of friends who always believe I can do anything and I will continue to wake up every day with a smile and hope for a happy ending (not the dirty kind).  I will be busy but I will make time to do the things that keep me happy and sane.  I will do my best to be a little better about my writing, perhaps it will coincide with some English assignments.  While I am nervous about the future I am also excited; I have realized that starting over just means I get to hit the reset button and do this whole thing with the experience to make the decisions that will keep my future awesome!

Evolution

I’m in my 30’s and I’ve never lived alone, as much as I love going out into the woods hiking and camping it’s usually only for hours or two days at the most.  I’m about to return home after being intermittently (but far more often than not) gone for two years.  During this time I have been surrounded by thousands of people, living on small overpopulated bases with 20,000-30,000 other troops.  I’ve become very used to having people around me; I’ve lived with as many as four of us in one room during this time period as well.  I have to admit I’m more than a little nervous about the prospect of going home because I know it means finding a place to live which will most likely mean being by myself.  I suppose it’s normal to have a little bit of apprehension towards the idea of something new.  It’s not just the living situation either; I have to start over completely when I get home.  Obviously I’ll have friends and family around but I’m starting over in my 30’s and it’s a little bit daunting.  The last two years have been financial security, independence, a job, food, a place to live, all the while being surrounded by people in a community that always has something to do.  I’m leaving an entire world I’ve become accustomed to, cafeterias, laundry services, world class gyms, MWR’s, USO’s, and a myriad of other services that have just become a part of my daily life.  While I won’t miss carrying a weapon everywhere I go or putting on body armor to go to work those things have become a part of my daily life as well.  Now I’ll go home to a quiet little country community and try to find a new kind of daily life.  I guess starting over is an ominous sounding way of describing what’s about to happen.  Maybe I should think of it more as evolving.  So I’m in my 30’s and my life is about to evolve, I have no idea what new evolution will ultimately come about, I guess all I can do is make every attempt to be a daily inspiration to myself and decide that I can be happy.  It might take some adjusting but I think I can handle it.